He called me.
He asked me to come over.
I run down the hill.
Go up a strangers driveway.
Jumped the fence.
Climbed down a tree.
Enter the house through the back door.
He erased my number from the phone.
So no one will ever know he called me.
The kisses.
He asked.
I said no.
He asked again.
I said no.
Please.
No.
He continued to asked.
I said no.
Finally I quit arguing to shut him up.
The pain.
The pain you never forget.
I remeber how much it hurt.
Then he stopped.
Why?
I do not know.
I will never know.
I am just glad.
I look at the clock.
3:30pm.
I get up and get dressed.
His parents will be home soon.
He pinned me to his dresser kissing me.
I hit my head on his hamster cage.
I leave the same way I came.
Through the back door.
Climbed the tree.
Jumped the fence.
Down that driveway again.
I run up the hill.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
That is what I tell myself as I run home.
Look what you got for being alone with a guy.
Good no one is home yet.
Breathing hard.
Skin red.
He calls to ask if I am okay.
Okay? Oaky?
I how in the hell will I ever be okay.
But I say yes.
I concentrate on my homework.
My parents come home.
I say nothing.
The next day he acts like nothing happens.
He continues to harass me.
He tells me he knows I want him.
He tells me he will have me.
Finally he moves aways.

A year later a smilar situtation.
This time it is the guy across the street.
We used to fight.
I probably should have expected it.
We were in my room.
My dad was in the next room.
He held me down.
I tried to get away but his grip was tight.
He pinned on me to the floor.
I tried to aviod his kisses.
So scared that it would turn into something more.
Then he stopped kissing me.
He got off me like nothing had happened.
I brushed it off as nothing.
We had known each other for four or five years.
Hanging out together just us was nothing new.
The next day I went to his house to hang out.
We alway hung out at each other house.
We either watched tv or played video games.
This time was different.
In his room he shuts the door.
I am sitting on the bed.
Suddenly he is on top of me.
He is trying to get under my shirt.
Then he wanted my pants off.
I said no.
He laughed.
I said no.
He back away.
Ha ha, just kidding.
I know why this happened.
I was stupid for going over there.
The other guy told him lies.
Said he had me when he didn't.
We were all friends.

Six years later a third guy.
This time he was my boyfriend.
We are alone.
His roommates are not there.
We are watching tv.
I want attention.
I playfully kick him.
He said quit.
He never took his eyes off the tv.
I playfully kick him again.
In rage he pins me.
His hands holding my hands above my head.
His leg pinning my left leg to the couch.
My right leg propped against the back of the couch.
Can't scream.
Can't speak.
Can't cry.
Can't move.
I am a deer caught in the headlights.
All I can think is 'please no not again.'
He said 'I can do whatever I want to you.'
Then he lets go.
Watching tv as if nothing happened.
He is my boyfriend.
I brush it off and try to calm down.
Thirty mintues later my heart is still racing.
I say I am leaving.
He tries to hug me.
I said no.
I leave.
I knew then it was time to leave him.
I leave but I eventually went back.
He acted if nothing had happen.

You think you can prepare yourself.
You are wrong.
You can never be prepared for rape.
The pain that never truely goes away.
My hope is that others find their voice.
After many years I have found mine.

The guys are out of my life.
Out of my life but never forgotten.
Never apologizing for the things they did.
I still see the scars they gave me.
Even if no one else can.